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64. KRULIK, GERALD, Ask Jerry: Conundrums Clarified for the Courteous Chlorophyllophile
(Gardener) Part 11,
CRAZY ANNIE PART TWO OF FIVE, PUP TALK (Saddleback Valley Bromeliad
Society), 16(8), p. 6, August, 2009.

Dear Jerry

This is Annie the cross pollinator again. I know you think I am crazy, but maybe you are somewhat
right. After all, what is the use of starting such a long development program, if I am not around to
see the end of it?

I have decided to become more realistic and more scientific in my approach. I have signed up for
the Dummy’s Guide to Cloning and Gene Insertion at the local trade school. This intensive six
week course should give me all the tools I need to really develop some spectacular plants.

For example, I will take the familiar, and boring, Spanish Moss as my starting point. I can think of
several varieties that I am sure I can easily make. One would be a cross with fireflies, so a
handsome screen of this plant would light up my patio at night. If I then add the genes for modified
fluorescent jellyfish proteins, different clones would glow in different colors, like neon lamps.

Then I want to insert the genes to make it grow small snapping traps, from the Venus’s Fly Trap
plant. But I think they should be red, so I will add the red Bougainvillea genes for the traps. That
way it will remove the mosquitoes and flies from the patio and be beautiful too, while fertilizing
itself. Oh, and then there are the genes from the Oscillatoria alga, so it will wave back and forth to
provide a cooling wind. Plus the genes from the sensitive plant, so it will automatically move aside
as you walk through its curtains. Gee, I almost forgot, I need to add the scent of Madagascar
Jasmine, and modify the flowers so they look like tiny purple trumpets.

What do you think of my plans now?

Signed
Annie the ex-pollinator and now cloner


Dear Crazier Annie

I like your thoughts and your breadth of vision. But, do you think that there is a teensy little chance
that you might be pushing the limits of technology and your skills a bit too far?

Do you drink or smoke illegal substances?

I am not suggesting that you step back and try to just develop a better radish. Although, I always
wanted to see what the cross of a radish with a tomato tastes like.

I just don’t know if the world is ready for what you suggest. I think that there may be, once again,
hidden dangers in your approach. What if the firefly idea works? Then the plant will grow in the
dark, taking over the inside of my garage, my closet, and other neglected spaces. Although if it
evolves its trap sizes to take out pesky ground squirrels and rats, I am all for it. If it moves, maybe
the stems will decide to break loose and find better territory. This could spread faster than the
dreaded Kudzu vine, or poison ivy.

Speaking of which, maybe you could make the plant smokable? No, just a thought. But if you do
decide to incorporate some novel alkaloid biosynthetic pathways, I might be willing to open your
packages after all.

Just curious, really.
Slightly Intrigued Jerry
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